Talking to Your Kids About Your Divorce

When you walk down the aisle with your future spouse, the last thing on your mind is a divorce. But if the time comes when you both finally decide it’s best to go your separate ways, there remains a significant burden – how do you tell your children?

No matter how prepared you believe you are, as parents, we can’t help but question this when it comes to our children. We struggle with the day-to-day parenting duties and now facing this tough conversation with our children is a discussion most parents dread. When it comes to talking to our children about our divorce, most of us find ourselves unsure of what to say or how much to tell them.

You’re likely still extremely emotional about the divorce and worried that you may not be able to talk about the topic with your children without becoming emotional or angry, or you may want to shield your children from the discord between their parents and the entire subject altogether.

The truth is, having a conversation with your kids about your divorce is going to go a long way in preparing them mentally and emotionally for the changes in everyone’s life that lie ahead. But where do you begin? What will you say? What won’t you say?

When possible, talk to your kids in the presence of the other parent.

This may be difficult to accomplish because a divorce can be emotionally messy. But speaking with your children together, has many benefits.

• When you and their other parent can come together to support them, it ensures your children are receiving the same information from both of you. This limits confusion about what was said and what was not said, while also creating needed stability and confidence in the message being relayed.
• The fact that you are communicating together with your children means that you both working together on something – and that is being their parents.
• You’re creating the reassurance your children need but may not ask you for. The children will see and appreciate that each of you are committed to working hard to create a new family structure filled with love and committed to their best interests—for them.

Allow kids to ask questions and give them honest answers.

All the questions you may have asked yourself when contemplating divorce are likely running through their minds. Where will we live? Where will mom/dad live? When will I see mom/dad?

Kids are smart, so be sure to answer their questions honestly. Any lack of honesty or transparency can lead to resentment and anger from your children later on. When you aren’t honest, kids often seek answers themselves or create their own inaccurate and, sometimes emotionally charged, answers.

Although, honesty and transparency are crucial, you must also bear in mind that your answers should be delivered with age-appropriate way while considering healthy boundaries.

Not all kids are the same. While some may have all the questions in the world and a few you didn’t think of, others may be hesitant or too overwhelmed to ask at the moment. You want to be prepared with a few topics to cover with your children when they are ready to talk.

Let the kids know what life after divorce will look like.

Change is intimidating for most adults. Now imagine being a child learning about your parents’ divorce, this can be terrifying. So, it is important that you let your children know what they can expect. Be sure to tell them as best you can:

• Where everyone will live.
• How much time they will have with each parent.
• When will they see each parent.
• What this means for where they will attend school.
• Most importantly, they will be wondering WHY? Why are you getting divorced, why can’t you just make-up? Be sure to practice this in advance (with the other parent if possible) and have a clear and concise answer to the questions which are age-appropriate so they can deal with this new and difficult information.

You may not have all the answers during the first conversation and that’s fine. It’s also good to tell your children that things are still being sorted out. If you are not sure about certain details, communicate that to your kids. Let them know that you will fill them in as soon as a decision is made. This will help ease some of the anxiety that naturally comes with the process.

Reassure your children.

They will have some fears, some maybe from what they learned from friends whose parents are divorced or from what they have seen on television. In some cases, they may think they are the cause of the divorce or that their parents don’t love them anymore. So, try as much as possible to reassure them of your love and commitment to them. Go the extra mile to encourage your children with your words and actions. Tell your children often and honestly, how much you love them and that your love for them will never change.

We know it is not easy communicating with your children about something as difficult as divorce, especially when you are trying to find your own way of handling this major life event. If this is the case, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. Engaging a therapist, a trusted friend, or family members can be helpful.

Whatever you have to do, don’t shy away from talking to your kids about your divorce and the changes they can expect. Providing them with honest, age-appropriate answers and reassuring them of the things that won’t change, and your love for them, will better equip your children to deal with the shock and sadness and allow them to start looking towards a new and bright future.